[I sometimes ask, "Why do I do this to myself!" I tell myself that its all about perception; nothing more, nothing less. The misconceptions I allow people to have are my way of being false. I'm tired of my naivete.]
How I wish I could lie
(To the tune of I believe I can fly…)
I used to think that lies were all too wrong
And truth would hold out and would last for long
But now I see the meaning in false lives
Innocence is just causing me great harm.
If you can't see through it, then I'd go through with it,
If you'd just believe it, there's nothing to it.
How I wish I could lie
How I wish I could thus get by
I think about it every night and day
(how) To manipulate people to my way
How I wish you wouldn't doubt
All the lies flowing through my open mouth
Oh how I wish I could lie
How I wish I could lie
How I wish I could lie.
Monday 23 May, 2011
Monday 2 May, 2011
Peripetia
[I don't generally put up real-life stuff on the blog - exceptions being Gwalior Return Trip and (possibly) The Language Debate. This blog is more like meant to be what I can write off an inspired thought, or an inspired real-life incident.
I certainly don't generally (oxymoron?) believe in writing about 'the semester gone by'.
I'm gonna make an exception here. And its gonna be a boring read.
Dedicated to Piyush Ahuja and his first semester recollection, for putting a smile on that rather let-down of a semester.]
'And then one day you find, [four months; six semesters; 3 years] have got behind you…' - spoofed lyrics of Time, Pink Floyd.
I walked into this semester with the inspiration to get myself a bunch of Impressive 10s. I walk out of it with the satisfaction of having passed all my courses (most probably). Rudradev Basak and Nikhil Garg, each have approximately 100% records of getting 10s in their Departmental cores. Mine is splattered with sixes from AT and Rao and possibly few others. The fact is, they make it look so simple, so … doable.
My attendance in courses is pretty bad. I expect my hukka attendance is 70-75%, my Rao attendance to be 75%, my DB attendance to be around 60%, my Comp Arch attendance to also be about 50-60%, Graph Theory doesn't count since the prof's attendance was 50%…i wouldn't know whether to count mine as 90% or 45%. And in softi, it'd be about 65%.
And yet, I have crossed all the 'worst' of the attendance issues - being just over the mark in a number of the courses, and in the others it just not mattering.
Enough of acads. On the whole, I feel this semester was empty. Theres nothing I can take out of it. Its like one of those time-passed-nothing-to-take-out-of semesters. The second semester was the personification of such a semester. So much so that Tulsyan overlooks it and merely calls the third one as his second semester etc.
I can't say that nothing happened. I just feel that there is nothing real to take out of this. I've changed. I've come to some realizations, and I've started believing in hope - not like earlier where I'd just try to make the best of the pathetic situations. The other day, Piyush and me were discussing this semester. He said, "It was a good semester…" and I didn't want to spoil his mood, so I thought about how I've changed for the better, and become more … something … and said, "No, not really. For me, its like a liminal space. … I've changed."
"How so?"
"Well, it feels like I'm ready to do much more. I'm more aware of stuff to do. I haven't done anything worth anything this semester, but still I've become more … confident in myself."
It took the NSS Trip into a relocated slum, to make me realize that now I know enough hindi to 'survive in Delhi'. While I cannot speak it fluently, I can understand it mostly, and I can speak enough to get by with autos etc. I've also realized one trick of autos is that if you ask to go somewhere and they ask you to get in, DO NOT ask them "kitna?", that'll only start them bargaining. In this new-age hiked-up meter scenario, when an autowallah says "get in", he means, "I'm taking you by meter". Thats the status quo now, so unless he says "Assi…", you do NOT start a bargaining match.
Then there are people like Sudarshana, who've shown me that the world still cares. Indeed, a week after meeting her, I fall sick and get flowers. I sometimes wonder if being taught this caring is possible only from someone who hasn't spent a year in Delhi. I haven't dealt with such sensitivity for three whole Dilli years. I myself walked into IIT with my own issues that made me cut myself off from people and live without a care. I walked into this world of IIT with the feeling that not caring is the best way to handle the choices and decisions of life. Don't bother about sacrificing, about compromising - just take whatever you want, there shouldn't have to be a question of want and not having … blah!
Yes, I did have issues back then. And first year was cut-throat. It was a world where loyalties did not exist, where people allied themselves on whims, where your only sure footing was your next destination. I could not come to terms for a while with all the backstabbing and double crossing. In time, I got used to it and imbibed some of it, considering that to be the status quo here. The survival of the fittest. Things have changed since then. I have found my peace with people. I have found that loyalties can exist, and can last.
I am surrounded by mediocrity. The lack of the pursuit of excellence is all around. Its been so long since I've been with a master-of-all-trades, and it will be quite a while more I think. I mean, really, one just has to ask oneself, "from where do studs appear?" and the answer is really is that they are just normal people with that drive to excel, something thats quite missing in the people around me. At some point during this semester, I came to realize that my time here is as passed as if it weren't there. I feel that when I leave this place and get into the world, it will be as good as if I had just left school and am getting into the world. There is nothing new I have picked up in college. Its all just been 3 years of time-pass.
I have discovered that Facebook is like the one-stop for any youth to keep himself updated with the world around him. I have been wasting too much time on it nevertheless. I believe that it should ideally be used only for updating oneself and keeping others updated of you. But then the question arises, "updated how often?" and the incessant keeda that tells you to check your updates.
To Siddharth Bhattacharya: I have honestly found your presence in my room a disturbance. I have often found the presence of people disturbing, but since you've been the most enthusiastic volunteer, I'm mentioning you here. Having said that, you were there mostly for softi work. To nag us into getting down to doing something. And there I do need to apologize for my laziness, my nalayak-ity. Sorry I kinda mostly gave up on the thing after my presentation, and the fact is, we do owe our overall success to you, mate.
Which makes me wonder… All one needs to do to get oneself the most credit after a successful venture, is to be the most nagging and resented creature during the course of it.
And Divyam Singhal. Before this semester, we were just Yo-maga and Cream (of the nation) buddies… I always knew you sucked, but I just took it very playfully. This time, however, you've gone and launched yourself from a cannon right into the middle of my life. When it happens like this, one understands that you do suck - a little worse than just 'playfully'. Yeah, whatever, I'm gonna be taking you back in the middle-of-my-life from this semester, so don't go hating the god's roomy for this.
I joined music classes for the piano in March. Realized that my left hand is more stiff by far than my right; thats probably why I'm so much more comfortable with the right hand. Got to exercise my thumbs and all. On the interhostel scene, theres nothing much to say, except we managed one self-comp for Western, and did NOT manage another one for Fusion. Not much to say really, when you end up not showing up for an event.
We had our own adventures during the midsem break with Vipul giving up on us and our Rajasthan trip; and more importantly, deciding last-minute to go to Vaishnodevi. Now my parents consider Jammu as dangerous as "JnK" and if they were to find out that I'd gone there, I'd be a goner. Having said that, when Vivek gave me the call in the afternoon asking if I'd be willing to go, I agreed without a second's thought.
The trip was good fun. Orange-wali and snow being two things I'd take out of it. On the final walk up to the 'cave', I realized, and told myself, that all this pain to my feet is gonna be for next-to-nothing. I told myself that by the time I reach wherever-it-is-I'm-going, its gonna be a moment of whatever-it-is-I'm-gonna-be-doing, and then its all over. The entire trudge, the complete running around barefoot, and the pain of trying to dry your feet only to have the wind blow all over again - it was all gonna be for nothing. Yes well, others reacted to it even worse, so…
The train journeys were hilarious. We really owe Attri a lot for Asshole. Minus followed soon (again from Attri?). Ahhh, those good ol' days… "J, Q, K, hai na?" and "Lets play aggressive!!!" being most hilarious. The way back, having 6 on two berths was legendary. Maggu got off in-between but still! Me, chuchi and Bhalu all on one berth trying to sleep… ahh!
After getting back, during the break itself, a case of mistaken identity triggered the worst arbit-tharki-aap phase I've dealt with. It started off so innocently that no one would ever even suspect the trigger, but even so, it grew larger and larger like some Giggle-loop (ref. the series Coupling) and ultimately I came up with this F3 - Flirt fuck flee, which when I mentioned to Tulsyan and Piyush, Tulsyan guessed one of the F's to be 'fetch', upon which I upgraded it to F4 = Fetch Flirt Fuck Flee. It lasted just the one week - the duration of the sembreak - because of our Humanities class on the monday just after, where I sort of Faced my … condition.
The humanities class has been a blast. The complete lack of boring seniors along with a highly interesting set of batchmates and an unbelievably enthusiastic bunch of juniors made even Ma'am find the course very 'interesting' and 'lively'. I got to interact with so many new people and have some side-ripping fun, with Shakhayan, Piyush, Tulsani, Nishit and Mayank. And Bhola. The tutes were a blast especially and I am really grateful that we had our format of mutual discussion rather than fire-at-the-presenters format which I'd noticed in the two other groups I'd attended.
I've restarted arguing with Piyush. Its a means for us to escape our dumbness. I will still remain dumb, but I stand to pick up drops of wisdom from our interaction, and I find that he attains a level of clarity of expression that at some level, is self-discovery. We had had a very bad second semester, and had called a mutual unspoken truce when we got back in the second year. Its taken one and half years of dumbing to reawaken our kindred spirits.
"We just spend our time thinking about whether to grab the opportunities or not; our laziness is still overpowering. We have to think about doing things, about whether to do things or not."
"But atleast its like we're on a launchpad now. Not that anything's happened, just that we're capable of grabbing the opportunities."
[I do believe I have left out a number of incidents. Getting Nandu's speakers whenever he went home and the number of people I've gotten to interact with. Firefly, falling sick whenever mom came up … it is very hard indeed to capture everything in the sem. I have had a few revisions for this, including a few more incidents as they come into mind, and all the while trying to keep the flow going. Do comment any stuff thats left out.]
I certainly don't generally (oxymoron?) believe in writing about 'the semester gone by'.
I'm gonna make an exception here. And its gonna be a boring read.
Dedicated to Piyush Ahuja and his first semester recollection, for putting a smile on that rather let-down of a semester.]
'And then one day you find, [four months; six semesters; 3 years] have got behind you…' - spoofed lyrics of Time, Pink Floyd.
I walked into this semester with the inspiration to get myself a bunch of Impressive 10s. I walk out of it with the satisfaction of having passed all my courses (most probably). Rudradev Basak and Nikhil Garg, each have approximately 100% records of getting 10s in their Departmental cores. Mine is splattered with sixes from AT and Rao and possibly few others. The fact is, they make it look so simple, so … doable.
My attendance in courses is pretty bad. I expect my hukka attendance is 70-75%, my Rao attendance to be 75%, my DB attendance to be around 60%, my Comp Arch attendance to also be about 50-60%, Graph Theory doesn't count since the prof's attendance was 50%…i wouldn't know whether to count mine as 90% or 45%. And in softi, it'd be about 65%.
And yet, I have crossed all the 'worst' of the attendance issues - being just over the mark in a number of the courses, and in the others it just not mattering.
Enough of acads. On the whole, I feel this semester was empty. Theres nothing I can take out of it. Its like one of those time-passed-nothing-to-take-out-of semesters. The second semester was the personification of such a semester. So much so that Tulsyan overlooks it and merely calls the third one as his second semester etc.
I can't say that nothing happened. I just feel that there is nothing real to take out of this. I've changed. I've come to some realizations, and I've started believing in hope - not like earlier where I'd just try to make the best of the pathetic situations. The other day, Piyush and me were discussing this semester. He said, "It was a good semester…" and I didn't want to spoil his mood, so I thought about how I've changed for the better, and become more … something … and said, "No, not really. For me, its like a liminal space. … I've changed."
"How so?"
"Well, it feels like I'm ready to do much more. I'm more aware of stuff to do. I haven't done anything worth anything this semester, but still I've become more … confident in myself."
It took the NSS Trip into a relocated slum, to make me realize that now I know enough hindi to 'survive in Delhi'. While I cannot speak it fluently, I can understand it mostly, and I can speak enough to get by with autos etc. I've also realized one trick of autos is that if you ask to go somewhere and they ask you to get in, DO NOT ask them "kitna?", that'll only start them bargaining. In this new-age hiked-up meter scenario, when an autowallah says "get in", he means, "I'm taking you by meter". Thats the status quo now, so unless he says "Assi…", you do NOT start a bargaining match.
Then there are people like Sudarshana, who've shown me that the world still cares. Indeed, a week after meeting her, I fall sick and get flowers. I sometimes wonder if being taught this caring is possible only from someone who hasn't spent a year in Delhi. I haven't dealt with such sensitivity for three whole Dilli years. I myself walked into IIT with my own issues that made me cut myself off from people and live without a care. I walked into this world of IIT with the feeling that not caring is the best way to handle the choices and decisions of life. Don't bother about sacrificing, about compromising - just take whatever you want, there shouldn't have to be a question of want and not having … blah!
Yes, I did have issues back then. And first year was cut-throat. It was a world where loyalties did not exist, where people allied themselves on whims, where your only sure footing was your next destination. I could not come to terms for a while with all the backstabbing and double crossing. In time, I got used to it and imbibed some of it, considering that to be the status quo here. The survival of the fittest. Things have changed since then. I have found my peace with people. I have found that loyalties can exist, and can last.
I am surrounded by mediocrity. The lack of the pursuit of excellence is all around. Its been so long since I've been with a master-of-all-trades, and it will be quite a while more I think. I mean, really, one just has to ask oneself, "from where do studs appear?" and the answer is really is that they are just normal people with that drive to excel, something thats quite missing in the people around me. At some point during this semester, I came to realize that my time here is as passed as if it weren't there. I feel that when I leave this place and get into the world, it will be as good as if I had just left school and am getting into the world. There is nothing new I have picked up in college. Its all just been 3 years of time-pass.
I have discovered that Facebook is like the one-stop for any youth to keep himself updated with the world around him. I have been wasting too much time on it nevertheless. I believe that it should ideally be used only for updating oneself and keeping others updated of you. But then the question arises, "updated how often?" and the incessant keeda that tells you to check your updates.
To Siddharth Bhattacharya: I have honestly found your presence in my room a disturbance. I have often found the presence of people disturbing, but since you've been the most enthusiastic volunteer, I'm mentioning you here. Having said that, you were there mostly for softi work. To nag us into getting down to doing something. And there I do need to apologize for my laziness, my nalayak-ity. Sorry I kinda mostly gave up on the thing after my presentation, and the fact is, we do owe our overall success to you, mate.
Which makes me wonder… All one needs to do to get oneself the most credit after a successful venture, is to be the most nagging and resented creature during the course of it.
And Divyam Singhal. Before this semester, we were just Yo-maga and Cream (of the nation) buddies… I always knew you sucked, but I just took it very playfully. This time, however, you've gone and launched yourself from a cannon right into the middle of my life. When it happens like this, one understands that you do suck - a little worse than just 'playfully'. Yeah, whatever, I'm gonna be taking you back in the middle-of-my-life from this semester, so don't go hating the god's roomy for this.
I joined music classes for the piano in March. Realized that my left hand is more stiff by far than my right; thats probably why I'm so much more comfortable with the right hand. Got to exercise my thumbs and all. On the interhostel scene, theres nothing much to say, except we managed one self-comp for Western, and did NOT manage another one for Fusion. Not much to say really, when you end up not showing up for an event.
We had our own adventures during the midsem break with Vipul giving up on us and our Rajasthan trip; and more importantly, deciding last-minute to go to Vaishnodevi. Now my parents consider Jammu as dangerous as "JnK" and if they were to find out that I'd gone there, I'd be a goner. Having said that, when Vivek gave me the call in the afternoon asking if I'd be willing to go, I agreed without a second's thought.
The trip was good fun. Orange-wali and snow being two things I'd take out of it. On the final walk up to the 'cave', I realized, and told myself, that all this pain to my feet is gonna be for next-to-nothing. I told myself that by the time I reach wherever-it-is-I'm-going, its gonna be a moment of whatever-it-is-I'm-gonna-be-doing, and then its all over. The entire trudge, the complete running around barefoot, and the pain of trying to dry your feet only to have the wind blow all over again - it was all gonna be for nothing. Yes well, others reacted to it even worse, so…
The train journeys were hilarious. We really owe Attri a lot for Asshole. Minus followed soon (again from Attri?). Ahhh, those good ol' days… "J, Q, K, hai na?" and "Lets play aggressive!!!" being most hilarious. The way back, having 6 on two berths was legendary. Maggu got off in-between but still! Me, chuchi and Bhalu all on one berth trying to sleep… ahh!
After getting back, during the break itself, a case of mistaken identity triggered the worst arbit-tharki-aap phase I've dealt with. It started off so innocently that no one would ever even suspect the trigger, but even so, it grew larger and larger like some Giggle-loop (ref. the series Coupling) and ultimately I came up with this F3 - Flirt fuck flee, which when I mentioned to Tulsyan and Piyush, Tulsyan guessed one of the F's to be 'fetch', upon which I upgraded it to F4 = Fetch Flirt Fuck Flee. It lasted just the one week - the duration of the sembreak - because of our Humanities class on the monday just after, where I sort of Faced my … condition.
The humanities class has been a blast. The complete lack of boring seniors along with a highly interesting set of batchmates and an unbelievably enthusiastic bunch of juniors made even Ma'am find the course very 'interesting' and 'lively'. I got to interact with so many new people and have some side-ripping fun, with Shakhayan, Piyush, Tulsani, Nishit and Mayank. And Bhola. The tutes were a blast especially and I am really grateful that we had our format of mutual discussion rather than fire-at-the-presenters format which I'd noticed in the two other groups I'd attended.
I've restarted arguing with Piyush. Its a means for us to escape our dumbness. I will still remain dumb, but I stand to pick up drops of wisdom from our interaction, and I find that he attains a level of clarity of expression that at some level, is self-discovery. We had had a very bad second semester, and had called a mutual unspoken truce when we got back in the second year. Its taken one and half years of dumbing to reawaken our kindred spirits.
"We just spend our time thinking about whether to grab the opportunities or not; our laziness is still overpowering. We have to think about doing things, about whether to do things or not."
"But atleast its like we're on a launchpad now. Not that anything's happened, just that we're capable of grabbing the opportunities."
[I do believe I have left out a number of incidents. Getting Nandu's speakers whenever he went home and the number of people I've gotten to interact with. Firefly, falling sick whenever mom came up … it is very hard indeed to capture everything in the sem. I have had a few revisions for this, including a few more incidents as they come into mind, and all the while trying to keep the flow going. Do comment any stuff thats left out.]
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